Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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