Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
