you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
