You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
