She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
