You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
