Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize