I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
