Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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