Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
