Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
