There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
