I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
