I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
