I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
