I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
