I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
