i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
