I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
