went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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