I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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