I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
