she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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