brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize