I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
