I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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