Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
