Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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