Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
My vagina just recognized that song.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
