he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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