Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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