i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
