Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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