This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Randomize
