Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
