does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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