moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
