I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
