I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
