So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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