Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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