I CAN MOONWALK!
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just invented taco cereal.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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