Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
