hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
