On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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