He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
