So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
