someone owes me an orgasm
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
