You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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