Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
