The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
