I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Randomize
