You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
