if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
