Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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