She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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