nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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