New invention idea: vibrating tampons
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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