Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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