Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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