Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
