I don't usually arrange sex via text message
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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